How to Make a Wonder Woman Movie (As Told by a Dude)

Wonder_Woman_DCAU_011

“We need one!”

“The world is not ready for one!”

“It cannot be done right!”

There has been a lot written about the prospect of a Wonder Woman movie; a lot, possibly too much. But that isn’t going to stop me from telling you the things that need to be done in order to make a commercially viable Wonder Woman movie that audiences can get behind.

First, we need a little setup. Let’s start with my credentials:

Nope, still none.

“I have none!”

I am not a film, literature nor comic book scholar. I have seen most superhero movies released since my birth. I have watched almost all of the DC Animated Universe shows and movies. I casually read comic books, mostly Batman, Green Lantern, Superman and the Justice League. Though I enjoy the DC universe, I have never read a Wonder Woman comic book.

Now that we have a thorough understanding of my lack of qualifications, let’s talk about why my opinion matters: I am the bench line consumer. I am one of the millions who will spend their hard-earned money to watch a Wonder Woman movie. Just by the sheer virtue of the fact that I love watching superhero movies, I want to the best possible movie I can get.

So, what exactly needs to be done in order to make a Wonder Woman movie that most people will enjoy?

Make Wonder Woman Good Looking

Gal Gadot

Boom?

As we all know, Gal Gadot was cast as Wonder Woman for the upcoming Man of Steel sequel/Superman vs. Batman/Justice League set-up movie. She’s best known for her role in the Fast and Furious franchise, which started with 2009’s Fast & Furious and ended with 2013’s Fast & Furious 6.

I would have chosen someone else, but I’m sure once we see her in the blue, red and gold, we will all be impressed. She’s on some kind of intense workout plan and if Christian Bale could go from The Machinist to Batman Begins, then Gadot can fill out the physical role of Wonder Woman.

So with that said, I think we have this one covered. Men are pleased.

Let’s move on to the more important issues.

The Love Interest

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Wonderous Super Passion!

Does she have an eye for Superman? What about Batman? Perhaps a yet unknown cast member?

These are all equally unimportant questions!

Wonder Woman does not need a love interest, nor should she be someone else’s love interest. She comes from an island without men. She is an island, she stands alone. (Coincidentally “no man is an Island” is what I think the theme of LOST is).

Basically, Wonder Woman does not need a man.

If anything it should be Batman or Superman who recognize some sort of feelings for her and try to outdo each other for her attention, which she doesn’t give. She doesn’t even notice, and when she does notice she is not impressed. She’s like Don Draper to Ginsberg: “I don’t think about you at all.”

That’s not to say that Wonder Woman shouldn’t eventually find someone to be with, but it certainly shouldn’t be right away. Gadot is signed for a three-picture deal. Let that mess wait until at least the second or, better yet, the third film. We need time to see Wonder Woman get acclimated to a new world and define herself before we tread into romantic territory.

Suit Up!

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Appropriate attire for snowy mountains.

Wonder Woman’s costume hasn’t changed much since her inception, and it is time to change that. She is a Greek-inspired warrior. She should be dressed as one, not in a one piece bathing suit. She should look fierce and dominating. She should be armor-clad and ready for battle.

Warner Bros. has already shown that they are not afraid to change up the costumes. Superman was missing his signature “red underwear,” and word is that the newest batsuit will be reminiscent of older incarnations of blue and gray. This leaves plenty of room for a proper reinvention of the Wonder Woman costume.

Don’t get me wrong: I still wouldn’t mind seeing Wonder Woman in a revealing outfit at some point (see section I), but she needs to wearing attire appropriate for her role: Kicker of Ass.

Speaking of that…

A F*&#ing Badass

Wonder Woman Beats Batman

“Don’t Get Up.”

Wonder Woman is a dominating badass. She runs with the big boys and she is never out of place. She’s nearly as strong as Superman, and certainly smarter. As shown above, she took out Batman at one point. She should be an absolute destroyer!

While Superman has this idea that he needs to restrain himself and act for the greater good (think Paladin), Wonder Woman takes a more straightforward approach and gets the job done now. She doesn’t mess around.

In that vein, I would like to see Diana snap a baddie’s neck with little thought. No high emotional content. Just taking care of business.

The Invisible Jet, and Other Gear

The Invisible Jet

Dumb.

Only second to the Lasso of Truth — in the eyes of the public — is the Invisible Jet. It’s gone and it needs to stay that way. Perhaps a lighthearted joke about it, but that’s it. The rest of the gear is great.

The Lasso of Truth is her go to weapon, but they shouldn’t shy away from giving her a sword and shield. She’s used them before and they would fit well with the armor-clad version (see section III) that I want to see. Along those lines, the indestructible bracelets should be made into indestructible bracers. Watch her swat away bullets (or batarangs) like the nuisances they are to her.

The last piece of her standard attire is the tiara, which I don’t see fitting into the Wonder Woman that I am envisioning. Luckily, there are writers who are way better than I who can put all the pieces of the puzzle together.

Don’t Frak Up the Story

The birth of Wonder Woman.

The birth of Wonder Woman.

One of the biggest criticisms of a possible Wonder Woman movie is that she doesn’t have a solid origin story. Superman is the last son of Krypton. Batman is a justice-seeking orphan. Green Lantern (Hal Jordan) was chosen by a mystical ring to be an intergalactic police officer.

Wonder Woman’s origin is considered more…nebulous, and significantly less well-known. That being said, this is the chance for a fresh establishment of Wonder Woman’s origin. Whatever new Wonder Woman origin story we get will permeate through the public consciousness and override whatever what was written in the past. We need a strong story, with a powerful beginning, to match a strong and most popular female superhero ever.

Don’t frak it up.

There are rumors that Wonder Woman may be a descendant of the ancient Kryptonians who landed on Earth. I’m not too keen on the idea, but it would make for a consistent story within the context of this new film franchise.

Conclusion

There you go, Wonder Woman can be done right. Just make her an complex, good-looking ass kicker. Now all we need is for the studio executives to listen to the fans, write an interesting script and give us the Wonder Woman movie that we deserve, not the one the studio needs right now.

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