New Girl: “Virgins” (ep. 2.23) Recap

Gold.

**Warning: SPOILERS for the episode below**

SO many things went right in last night’s episode of New Girl. Perhaps taking a page out of of the How I Met Your Mother book (no, not The Playbook!) and mixing up the typical structure of its storytelling. The entire episode spans what seems like just a couple hours while the gang is getting ready for a night that nearly everybody but Nick may or may not be getting lucky. The guy that took Jess’s virginity is in town, which of course leads to everyone dishing the stories of their “firsts”. One or two is typical, two of them are terrifying, all of them  hilarious, and every single one is embarrassing…well…except for Cece’s because, to be honest, she’s Cece. Can you expect anything less?

As always, keeping her in the mix separate from her fiancee is a good decision and offers the viewer a dose of normality, even if it is hyper-gorgeous model normality. Pretty much anything is more normal than the people living in the Loft. As you might imagine, Cece loses her v-card to Mick Jagger in spectacular fashion. The only thing that goes by quicker than the telling of her uncomplicated yet glorious deflowering story is the ten seconds Winston spends having sex with the prostitute that Walt (Nick’s now deceased father) gets for the boys.

Teenage Nick and Winston mingle and drink with prostitutes that look about twice their age with Winston playing it “uber-cool”. Both of them are goofier than ever with retro hair cuts, braces, and puberty voices. Somehow it’s refreshing to see Nick so innocent and bumbling, with quotes like “I prefer to be drunk on life!”. Keep in mind that this is the same guy that also says the following to the boyfriend of his longtime crush at one point in his life whilst woefully drunk on absinthe:

If you were a hat, you’d be a top hat. But like a really big Monopoly one. And I say that with deepest compliments.

As to be expected, Nick freaked out and didn’t have sex with the prostitute, but it was heartwarming to see him chatting with Walt about it after-the-fact. They chatted about how Nick was over-thinking it and just couldn’t do it. His largely absent and oftentimes scummy father but an arm around Nick reassuringly and said, “I just wanna make sure you don’t miss out on the things that are happening when you’re not thinking.” I love Nick Miller for a lot of reasons that extend far beyond a mutual fascination with Earnest Hemingway and writing zombie novels, but to have one of his greatest internal conflicts spelled out like that is something that most modern men can relate to. Second-guessing every decision you consider making is the easy path of least resistance, but it’s hard to have the courage to act even when uncertain. In his best moments, Nick appears to be acting on this advice from his dad, but more on that in a bit…

Jess’s extremely long and detailed account traces several years and nights, weaving in and out while the others tell their stories. She and her prom date are obsessed with gender equality and being proper so much that initiating sex is a bumbling ordeal that leaves Jess frustrated and screaming for him to take her clothes off. In the hallway of the hotel, she almost has sex with a dark and brooding guitar player that she harmonizes with, only to have her date storm out of their room screeching and scaring him off.

At the bar, guess what Past Cece and Jess almost encounter!

Way to sip a mixed beer, Miller.

Somehow Jess winds up trying to have sex with a depressed closeted gay man in a toy castle in a playground mere feet from a murdered hobo. Obviously, they get stuck and are found out by children at a birthday party in the morning. Jess winds up finally completing her quest to lose her V-Card with the fireman that carries her away.

By far, the BEST story of virginity loss is Schmidt’s to Elizabeth. It truly must be seen to belief, but it includes about a gallon of lube, a slippery fight between Nick and Schmidt as they try and hoist Schmidt up onto the top bunk while a blinded Elizabeth cries out to him. Oh, and did I mention that Nick was high on ‘shrooms and his arm was a magnet and the WALL WAS METAL!? Hilarious.

“I was stuck to the wall! How can you guys not get that??”

When all’s said and done, the gang spread out to go their separate ways. Cece, Schmidt, and Winston all go to their respective spouses with Nick awkwardly left behind while Jess is about to leave for what is bound to be a booty call with her First. In the second great Nick Miller WOW moment of the season he rushes into the elevator, sweeping Jess off her feet for a long overdue consummation of sexual tension. Exasperated and sweaty, they laugh nervously as the episode comes to a close with several “uh-ohs” on their lips.

Things are bound to get interesting!!

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